Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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