I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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