My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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