i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
