you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
