My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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