I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
