My underwear smells like fireworks.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
my poor anus
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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