birth control should be required to get into college
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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