I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
