Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
