need another drink. this is the easiest way
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize