Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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