I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
