census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
