happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
