I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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