Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
