This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
