Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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