one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
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