and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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