mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
