I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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