I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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