So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
