i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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