Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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