the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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