she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Vodka?
Forever.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
