i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i dont even know how to be here
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
