I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
