I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
