It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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