I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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