Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
