he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
