she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
