Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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