can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
