im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
dude i'm inner monologue high
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
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