Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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