The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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