I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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