I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
