So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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