xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Houston, we have a squirter
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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