i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
