I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
