I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My balls are so social today.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And then he peed in my hair
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