K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
