Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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