I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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