how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
