I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
