i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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