Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
