Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
