fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
