There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
